Well, I have … on more than one occasion; even beyond my 15th year. Does losing your first love hurt? Hell yeah it does! Will the pain ever go away? Yes it will. How do I know? Because it is a part of life…a “right of passage” if you will.

When you have loved and lost, you begin to look at things differently. You understand the pain of love and at times will vow never to fall in love again…only to fall in love again. it’s like riding a bike. The first couple of times you fell off; possibly bruised your leg or arm pretty bad and were afraid to get back on. However, with a determination to ride and encouragement from others, you made it. Your first ride without those training wheels that did not land you in the bushes was the height of your day.

Relationships and love have these same ups and downs. Please understand that all adults do not have this down to a science yet. Some of them are still harboring feelings for a lost love; thinking it was their fault; not being able to move beyond the disconnect. Some are still existing in relationships in which they are afraid to say what they mean, ask for what they want or even believe that they deserve to have it.

This type of behavior will only serve to push your farther and farther away from the relationship that is really right for you. You MUST identify what is truly important to you and be confident enough to ask for what you need and believe that you are worthy of receiving it. It may not come from the object of your affection but if you learn to see people for their truth and not their popularity…love will be so much more fulfilling for you. You don’t want someone that is “perfect” for you…you want someone that is “perfectly IM-perfect” for you.

So, how do you grow through the pain of losing your first love:

1. You make a list of all of the good things about the relationship – what you liked, what made you happy, what made you smile.
2. You make a list of all of the things that you wish were different between both you and the other person; don’t worry about being “shallow” just write the things down
3. Now create your Purrfectly Authentic Relationship™; “A Day in the Life of…” Create the story as though you were already living the relationship that you want; write it in the present tense. Don’t leave out any detail. Write out the way you would feel when that person was around or not around. Write about how that person would talk to you, treat you, comfort you, etc. Leave no stone unturned.
4. Read through your story and see if the relationship that you were in or the person you were with are in alignment with what you REALLY want. If not, you now know what is important to you for your next relationship.
5. Also, take a look at the type of relationship that you say you want and ask yourself this question; “Am I the type of person that I wish to attract?” If not, take some time to make a few personal adjustments, make those changes that need to be made while at the same time loving yourself for choosing to “grow through” your experience. Appreciate the love that you had knowing that if you attracted that love…you will attract another one.

I know that it seems like it is the end of the world…but it really isn’t. Take some time to grieve the loss, then get right back up there and get busy on your assignment above. In the long run, it’s not the things in life that knock us down that govern our character, it’s how we react to them.

Choose to live, to grow through your life experiences at an early age and when life throws you curve balls during your adult life…you will be better equipped to handle them.

Everything will be fine, you will fall in love again…many times and each one will seem like THE one. Learn to enjoy the relationship while it lasts, be your real self at all times and you will grow through the pain…I promise. NO ONE will be able to truly love you until YOU truly love and accept yourself.

Have any questions for me regarding how to “grow through” particular situations? Just ask. I will respond to any sincere questions…any foolishness will be deleted.

You may be feeling this way because you have given blood, sweat and rivers of tears for the people you love but not for the person you should be loving the most – yourself!  This does not mean that you should only be thinking about yourself from now on. However, you, as the beautiful soul that you are, personally need undivided attention – you need to feed your body, soul and spirit because together they comprise the only YOU there is!

Most women find it difficult to focus on themselves and their needs due to societal conditioning. They constantly worry too much about things falling apart if they let go of feeling responsible for everyone else.  But think of how things will go completely haywire if you run your energy into the ground by attending to the needs of others and not your own.  Pretty soon your body and spirit will have to step in and create “me time” for you. This could mean that you will fall ill, begin to forget the important things or just feel plain’ole worn out.

When deciding to make the most important decision and the extremely valuable move to commit to your own personal needs and wants; you must be ready to release the “small ideas” you have had about your life. This is not about measuring up with some parameters for comparison – your happiness is not about keeping up with the Jones’; it’s about attaining daily habits and routines that allow your spirit to sing…everyday.  Life is not an uncharted race of trying to beat out somebody else; it’s about being happy with where you are in your life at any given moment.

You are a unique individual with needs that are different from everyone else. When you begin to focus on these, you will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how all of your relationships will improve.  Attending to our own personal needs and wants helps us identify where we have been standing in our own way and allows us to grow into the spirits that we have always wanted to be. Once you set out on the course to “radical transformation,” you may not like what you find immediately, but the journey of identifying your truth then living your life from it will be the greatest reward.

Be aware that you will definitely feel “uncomfortable” in the beginning. Beginning to take time out for you when you are used to doing things for everyone else can make you feel so guilty. And if you grew up in the church…you will struggle with the fallacy of “by doing things for yourself, you are not being a good Christian”…NONSENSE!!!

Once I started to peel back the layers of my personality, removing the shackles of society, and discovered that I was not perfect…it was damn near devastating. I had such a hard time shifting my focus to me when all my life I had seemed to focus on everything and everyone else. But it has to be done; the choices and decisions you will begin to make will determine the roadmap ahead. Like me, I feel that once you really begin to think about it, you will want to take on a path that will lead you to a greater sense of self-awareness, connection/reconnection you’re your truth and the courage to live your life according to what “feels good” to you. Take a look below at these radical transformation tips that will help you focus on yourself so you can begin to enjoy your life:

1. Devote exclusive time for yourself each day. Set a definite hour for yourself alone and bask in an activity that you absolutely love.  It can be time in the tub, a walk in the park, a manicure at the salon, sitting on your patio sipping coffee and doing nothing else – whatever it is that pleases you. Do something strictly for pleasure and not to move you further along in your career or in your relationships. This time is strictly for you. Learn to play…hell, by a set of jacks or a Tonka truck and get busy. You could also use this time to reflect in your journal, dream the biggest dream you can imagine, and write down all of the things you will do and have once your dream is realized.
2. Give value to your overall needs, and be in-charge of them – the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional. Don’t make the mistake of thinking these needs are dependent on someone else or that you can only have satisfaction and happiness when somebody else does something to you or for you. You have the power within yourself to attain these needs and that is the only way you will become a whole person. Want to strengthen your relationship with self and show up to a dating situation whole…then (excuse my slang) but…get-chu some bidnez! Making the other person 100% responsible for your happiness is not attractive nor is it healthy.
3. Feed your mind, body and spirit with good and healthy things.  Find positive energy to stimulate you, positive thoughts to motivate you and positive people to be around.  Feed your body well – eat healthy, taking in lots of fruits and vegetables and get plenty of water. Do like I do, since I don’t like to eat them, I blend them and drink them all together. Feed your mind with informative material. Read lots of motivational books, listen to audiobooks and attend pleasurable events.  I’m not one to read the newspaper or watch the news. How do I stay up on current events you ask? Trust me, there are tons of others who enjoy feeding their mind and spirit with the negativity of the world…if I want to know, I’m sure they will be willing to share. If you can’t detach from the news completely, at least limit the amount of time spent watching, listening or reading the news.
4. Limit your time on the TV – if you need to, watch the “feel good” programs that let you laugh about life and stimulate your spirit. Listen to soothing music. Music has that magical ability to relax or stimulate your mind, depending on what you need at that particular moment.
5. Spend time doing something you love.  If you are able to do it daily, do so. It can be a hobby like people watching (oh wait…that’s one of mine…giggle) gardening or a creative pastime like painting, pottery or craftworks.  Whenever your creative outbursts are at their peak, translate that into action; whatever that means to you. It’s always nice to be doing something beautiful.
6. Create your own gratitude journal. Did you know that a lot of bestselling motivational books started from the authors’ personal gratitude journal? You can begin to write down even just five things you’re grateful for each day. Pretty soon, you’ll see your list growing and you’ll begin to notice how good it is to focus on the positive things in this world. I bet you’ll be writing longer reflections and short stories in no time because you’ll be writing about the good things rather than dwelling on the occasional obstacles of life.

There really is no better way to take good care of yourself than focusing on your needs and wants. Feeding yourself constantly allows you meet the challenge of each new day with a positive attitude and a happy heart – fully content with where you are at each present moment. And when you are ready to kick it up a notch and “Radically Transform” your life…you know where to find me. You can reach out to me directly or radically transform in the comforts of your own home. The choice of HOW you do it is yours…all I ask it that you step up to the plate and “MAKE IT HAPPEN!”

As I am now undergoing a radical transformation in my life, I have had plenty of time to reflect on my past daily behavior and rearrange my days according to what feeds my spirit and moves me in the direction of my goals and dreams.  I have also noticed that over the course of the past two plus years I’ve been doing tons of things based on what was needed for everyone else, including my largest client that started out as a great idea but ended up being the most difficult “class” I have taken in “the school of life.” How could I not have honored what was needed for my spirit? Easy…everything else took precedence ~ I kept stating that one day I would set aside time for me.

I’ve since decided that from this point on, I’m going to add “Anita” to my weekly schedule and set aside precious time out of my week “just for me!” If I thought all those names were important enough to placed in my calendar, then “Anita” certainly deserves to have a regular spot because I am the most important pereson in MY life.

There will always be meetings to attend, things needed by others, obligations that you can’t just “blow off” so why not carve out a little time for yourself.  While it would be nice of others to remind us to do this for ourselves…it is our ultimate responsibility to take the time we need to nourish our own bodies, mind and soul.  Let’s not get it twisted…of course, I can now decide to do something for myself at any given moment due to the new flexibilty – but by nature, I am the type of person who’d find something else to do that I feel is “more important.” This usually means that I have a tendency to fill in those empty time slots doing things for other people OR those things that other’s could be doing for me.  By making a date with myself, I am consciously allotting valuable time for my body, mind and spirit to recharge.

Time for me means doing anything that gives me pleasure without the guilt and the pressure.  It could be a whole afternoon spent watching my favorite television shows on On Demand or getting a full body massage at the spa.  I could also decide to do some yoga to sweat out the toxins and burn away my stress or jump on the train and go visit a historic town and be a tourist for the day. Sitting at my favorite café with my delicious cup of coffee is also precious time spent for me; because it’s something I absolutely love doing. So the truth is, it could be anything at all – as long as it is something that will not make me think of the “I should have or could haves”.

During my ‘just for me’ moments, I tend to spend quite a bit of time soul-searching. I take a moment to look deep down inside to assess my strengths and talents and ask myself what more am I willing to give, with pleasure. I look at my interactions with others and now make my decisions on what “feels good” to me; not out of any sense of obligation or fear of the loss of anything. Once determined, I gently remove those people, obligations or energy vampires from my space.  After reassessing the past couple of years of my life and where I placed my energy, I now truly understand the following…

•  “Just for ME time” is the most important time you could ever schedule
• “Just for ME time” allows you the time to really connect with your truth
• “Just for ME time” if used for self-reflection, allows you to see where you are wasting energy on activities, people and obligations
• “Just for ME time” is a very healthy stress-reducer

When it’s time for my ‘just for ME” moments, I now see to it that I delegate tasks to others; those that I do not like to do as well as those that someone else can do for me. I am certain to decline invitations that would otherwise get in the way of my very important date with me. If you are not use to setting aside “just for ME” time, it would be a very healthy and simple habit to form and such a way to honor you.

Life is about finding out what brings you pleasure. Life is about loving what you do; not just doing what brings in the most money or has the best title. Life is a journey without a specific destination; it’s about enjoying the trip as well as the layovers. What has YOUR life been about? Running the rat-race doing things for others? Things that don’t feed your spirit? Things that ultimately drive you to bad health; migraines, digestive problems, ulcers, etc.? When do you think you will be ready to honor your spirit by setting aside your own “just for ME time?”

Go ahead, set a specific day and hour or two for weekly ‘just for me’ time. It will feed your body, your mind and your spirit immensely. You will love and honor yourself more when you do and the energy that you bring to all other interactions will increase as well.  Raising my coffee cup to you in honor of your new “just for me time” practice…you so deserve it!

The funny thing is, once you become aware of your behaviors you can no longer hide behind them.  As a result, of coming face to face with your inconsistencies, your half-truths and your masterful illusions, you can no longer pretend to be asleep. The little “colorful lies” you once told will not flow to you as easily. The habit of pointing the finger at everyone else only serves to create conflict in your spirit. You now have no choice but to accept responsibility for your actions whether good or bad and as a result, you decide that you need to make a change.

So how does one go about making this change? Even better, how does one go about actually becoming aware? There are several ways in which you can accomplish both.  They are all equally effective it just depends on which one resonates with you, but there is one that will take this request and its results to the “next level.” Let’s save that one for last.

To become aware of your …

• Hidden Agendas
• Insecurities
• Manipulative tactics
• Areas in which you sell yourself short

You have to be….

• Willing to “get to the bottom” of your truth. You can do this by thinking of particular situations that were either painful or irritating to you and continuously asking yourself the question of “Why did this …. me so much?” The more you ask the question and you go deeper and deeper into yourself to find the answer, you will uncover the truth. There you may run into old feelings of jealousy, envy, insecurity, etc. but once you identify them, you will have the opportunity to work through them and thus reclaim your personal power.
• Willing to see yourself not as who you think you are but as who you REALLY are. Each one of us has created this “character” of the person we would like to believe we can be.  Sometimes this is a good thing as it pushes us to be more, do more, etc. However, there are also times when this “character” serves to hide your true nature. Maybe you are not as “nice” as you think you are. Is it possible that you could be a very manipulative individual but telling yourself and others that you are only looking out for their best interest? Are you someone that does things for other people and expect undying love and devotion in return?
• Willing to uncover and acknowledge where you make others responsible for your place in life. Many people blame others for their place in life; “because my 5th grade teacher told me I wouldn’t amount to anything…she jinxed me; if my husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent had only told me (X) I would have had such a different life; if he would only do (X) if she would only have (Y) I could have been great.”  All of these things point outside of yourself for the reason you are not where you think you should be or you want to be. In reality, you are where you are because of the choices that YOU made. If you had made different choices, you would be in a different place.  Understanding this, taking full responsibility for your life is the first step to living the life you REALLY want.

Taking time to reflect on these things will lead you to a higher understanding, appreciation and love of self.

If you are an over-achiever like me, you not only want to consider the suggestions above but you will also want to take it one level deeper.  How can you do this? How can you take this trip to “true self-awareness” to the next level? By asking your higher power to reveal to you, during these exercises…

• Your responsibility in each situation
• Where/how you gave your power away
• What is really important to you
• What needs to change to allow you the quality of life you REALLY want

Understand that IF you open this line of communication, what returns to you may not be what you wanted to hear but it will be what you need to move you beyond your current “self-awareness” position.  Each time I ask the Universe to step up and step in to my quest for the truth…I am changed. I have to be ready to accept what is revealed to me but once received, processed and accepted, I have moved up the next level of self-evolution.  I can no longer hide behind what I thought to be the reason for situations in my life – I have to be accountable and make a decision as to whether or not to do what needs to be done to change it or accept that I want things to remain the same.  Either way, my spirit is now fully aware and my head is yet again pulled out of my behind in that particular area.

If you want something different than you have always had, then you need to do something radically different than anything you have already done.  What area are you looking to radically transform? Do share.

Have you ever had a friend that behaved as though you “owed” them your undying loyalty, your first born AND your last $20? Don’t get me wrong, we all come with particular wants, needs and desires but does that mean we should force them on others? My answer to these questions and others like it will always be a LOUD ASS NO!

I work with client’s all the time that have so much angst and anxiety due to the demands of “friendships.” At some point, a person did them a favor, bought them a meal, saved them from a horrible date or answered the phone and told the person on the other end that they were “not home” and for this…they either feel or are being told that they “owe” the other person.

I sit and listen while they share with me comments like…

• I can’t believe you won’t to X after all I’ve done for you
• As my friend, I expect you to do X
• This is what friends do for each other
• So what, it hurt your feelings…if I wasn’t your friend, I wouldn’t care enough to share it with you
• I guess you’re not the friend I thought you were

If you have heard any of the statements above or you have a few additional ones of your own in your current “friendships”, it’s time for you to ask yourself the question of exactly ~ How Much Are You Willing To Pay For Them?

Friendships should never be one-sided to the degree where one person is “reaping all of the benefits” while the other is providing all of them.  A true friend will not require you to be anyone other than who you really are.  A friend knows you, accepts you for who you are and doesn’t require you to give up your truth for theirs. A true friend will not keep score, nor will they continue to reap “payment” for an act that they committed on your behalf years ago.

Choose your friends wisely.  Understand what you need in a friendship and always be the best YOU that you can be no matter what the connection.

I have friendships that have lasted over 30 years and a few that have just started in the past 30 days or so.  One thing rings true in all, all friendships, just like relationships,  will go through different stages.  As each individual grows, the nature of the friendship grows; which direction is totally up to the two of you. Accept the fact that each of you can and most likely will evolve to different levels at different times.

Do a reality check every 6 months or so to see where you are in your friendships;

• Have you noticed that you are giving more than the other person?
• Do they continue to cancel each time you are to spend time together?
• Have they become very cynical or even verbally abusive to you regarding your life’s journey?
• Do they uplift you and encourage your growth or do they consistently make fun of you and discourage you from your dreams?
• Do they make demands on you? Get angry with you when you are not available or they don’t get their way?
• Are they disrespectful of you and your time? Do they not honor your wishes?
• Are they are disrespectful of your relationship?

If so, maybe it’s time to evaluate just how much your are willing to spend. You do not have to have anyone in your space that is not on the road to the quality of life that you desire.

Once you do your evaluation and you recognize that there are “friends” in your space that are more concerned about their needs than about you being true to who you are…here is what you can do;

• Recognize that you do not have to remove everyone from your life but you can categorize them
• Spend more time with those that truly allow you to be you and encourage your truth
• Spend less time with those that put unreasonable demands on you and are only concerned with how your actions affect them.
• Cut off those that are negative and discourage you or continuously put you down.

One of my favorite sayings is the following…

If you’re not on the way, You’re in the way…So get the hell out of the way

I no longer waste time on those that are not willing to grow beyond only being concerned about themselves. Nor do I make apologies for being who I am today. It took a long time for me to get here; the amount of self-analysis, soul-searching and rearranging of the people in my life has not been easy but so worth it.

I live my life now from my truth. If my life doesn’t fit neatly with that of someone else’s…I’m okay with that. If a person needs to disconnect with me as a result of the personal changes that I have made, I truly respect their position and wish them well.

I have asked myself the same question I posed to you… “How much am I willing to pay for my friendships?” nothing! In each and everyone of my friendships, I bring to the table my truth. As your friend, as your coach, I will always relate to you in a manner that is true for me. This way, you always get my best.

When I can, I will be there for you in the “wee hours.” If you really need me, you know how to reach me but I do not owe you that as your friend. As your friend, that is my gift to you and at any point in time that isn’t enough for you, I will respect your position and be grateful for the time we had together.  Completely different than where I was a few short years ago…but I’m at a point now where I am willing to disappoint another to be true to myself…are you?

Are there times when you feel like you’ve tried so hard, but you are just not getting the recognition that you deserve.  Instead of feeling motivated to do by constant approval or acceptance, you begin to shut down.  The most simple things seem so hard. You feel like you’ve lost the wind in your sail and you continue to sink further and further into the despair.

It could be a number of things…a job, a relationship, a friendship, a business dealing, a lost sale, etc.  that has you feeling deflated, unproductive and just plain depressed. You may find yourself in a funk where the areas in which you normally excel in are now overshadowed by your opportunity areas and you just can’t seem to crawl your way out.  I totally understand.

So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation like this? Do you put your tail between your legs and cower away? No. Do you walk around complaining that the whole world is against you? No. Do you start pointing out the faults of others so that they are the focus instead of you? No. What purpose would these things serve? Would any of these things help you in changing your situation? Ok, for some it may make you feel better, but eventually, that depressing feeling will return.  How do you pull yourself “head out of your a$$” on this one?

Here are a couple of suggestions:

• STOP right now and recognize that YOU are the captain of your own ship; no one can truly MAKE you do or feel anything that you do not allow them to. Don’t hand over your personal power.
• Sit down and think about all that is being said to you or about you.  Is any of it true? Once you remove the “feelings” from the situation, you are able to see it more clearly
• Sit down and state the facts. Grab a piece of paper, beginning at the top, write what is being said; on the next line write “Is this true?” And on the third line, give your honest answer.  Next, write down whether this is something you want to change; what needs to happen in order to make that change and then the steps you can follow in order to make the change.

The idea here is to show you that you are not powerless.  You are not doomed by any means. You are the captain of your own ship and where you choose to sail is totally up to you. If the relationship is not working for you; end it. If you do not feel as though you are in a work situation where you are tolerated instead of celebrated; look for a different job. If you do not feel as though a friendship is being reciprocated; either speak up…or walk away. In all of these situations, you are at the helm of your ship…choose the direction that is going to add to your quality of life.

Take time to identify what is working and what is not. Get off of the pity train, pull your head out of your butt and begin to steer your ship as the strong Captain you are. If you find you need a jump-start or a personal cheerleader; find a coach in your area, talk to someone you trust, start a mastermind group or take a home study course online.  There are many things you can do to sharpen your Captain skills…but YOU have to be willing to steer in the direction that is right to you and for you.

You are either going to take charge or be driven by external circumstances…the choice is yours.

Anita is known for sharing her life’s experiences to include triumph and tragedy with the intention of showing others that they are not alone. It is her desire to provide comfort, clarity and insight to others to light a path along their journey in this lifetime. Why take 20 years to finally recognize that you too may have been living with your head up your ass? It is Anita’s intention that this book to point you to true self-awareness so that you don’t have to. Whether you are a teenager about to embark upon life or an adult that feels like you know everything you need to know already ~ this book will be of benefit to you.

Far too often, as parents we hold on to our “dirt” until we are close to our death bed in an attempt to shield our children and others from our truth; our vulnerabilities and unfortunately our aha-moments.  Well, not anymore.  Anita feels that it is time.  Time to share with her children (both biological and extended) the reasons why she made certain decisions, the challenges that she has faced in her life time, the mistakes that she has made and the ways in which she triumphed against all odds while there is still time for her to have open dialogue with them.

In opening her heart, her spirit, her life and her laptop she intends to provide a book that WILL BE controversial; one for its raw truth and two for sharing things that some parents and other individuals may think are taboo. As a woman that has been a rebel all of her life…she doesn’t plan to stop now.

Prepare to…

• Have your own views challenged
• Get angry as you see yourself in these pages
• Finally feel understood as the “adult child” that you are
• Identify ways in which YOU TOO have behaved as a child ~ even though you have children of your own
• Learn the true meaning of forgiveness and how NOT doing so can change the course of your life
• Be entertained while being educated with “Ethel’s Words of Wisdom” at the end of every chapter ~ as shared by Anita’s very own Mother
• And so much more

Feel free to…

• Leave your life’s lessons in the comment section
• Provide examples of life’s lessons that you feel would be worth sharing with today’s youth